Competing with Jesus

Two Cents Plus Tax

Episode Three: “Competing with Jesus”

TRANSCRIPT

Transcript has been lightly edited for readability.

(theme song plays)

K: I’m Krystal.

C: I’m Kaitlin.

K: And this is …

K & C: Two Cents Plus Tax!

K: Welcome back. Are we doing this again? It’s happening again. A new podcast episode. Exciting. 

C: Welcome back.

K: How are things?

C: Things are pretty good. I just had a tarot reading. It just ended about fifteen minutes ago (laughs).

K: It’s so funny; when you mentioned you were doing it—I don’t know why I thought this, but I’m like, she clearly has to go to a place to get a reading, but I’m like, oh nothing’s open, like it’s probably just on Zoom or whatever.

C: Yeah!

K: Okay.

C: I did it over soom with this woman in Colorado, but lemme just say, it was the best tarot reading I’ve ever had. It was spot-on.

K: So when they do it, are they trying to tell you stuff about your immediate future, or is there like a time constraint, or are they just sort of like reading the cards and telling you what it says about you generally as a person in your life?

C: I think it varies depending on what you’re asking and who the reader is, what their style is, cuz everyone’s different. They do say to ask open-ended questions, not yes/no, that kinda thing.

K: Right, right. 

C: And I was pretty nervous, for some reason, before this one. I’ve had tarot readings done before. I’m a novice at it. I love it, but I don’t know what all the cards mean, and there’s so much symbolism and, you know, everything means something. She just had a really nice energy. I liked her style. I like people who are like woo-woo like me, but also really practical like me. (laughing) It’s a weird combination, but we do exist. 

So how are you doing, Krystal?

K: Eh, I mean we were talking off-mic, as they say— 

C: Mm-hmm.

K: —about you know just kinda having a weird—not weird, but just one of those kinda blah weeks. My dishwasher broke; I’m kinda feeling, like … not great. But generally speaking, I am mostly okay. It was my mom’s birthday on Friday.

C: Happy birthday—what is her name?

K: My mom’s name is—should I say that? Probably not (laughs).

C: Happy birthday to Krystal’s mom!

K: Yeah, happy birthday! But yeah, she … you know it’s kind of a bummer, because I would have in a normal year gone home to hang out with my family or whatever. Yeah, I just didn’t get to do that, so it’s like, eh—it’s not a terrible weekend, but it’s also like, it could have been better. But my mom has it good. My sister has a terrible birthday, because her birthday is literally—

C: It’s Christmas, right?

K: —yes it is! It’s Christmas day. So I’m just like, no matter what she does, it being her birthday will not be the biggest event happening on December 25th—

C: Yeah.

K: —so she kind of like really has to really go hard, because it’s like no one’s paying attention to her at all.

C: No. She’s competing with Jesus. 

K: Exactly. I’m like, if it was a day earlier, you know, or a day later, it’d be so different.

C: My nephew is a Christmas baby.

K: Yeah! My uncle as well.

C: Really!

K: Yeah, one of my dad’s brothers is also Christmas. I’m like, why is that such a thing in our family? But I don’t know. 

C: Toshio, our producer, his birthday is December 23rd. 

K: Ugh. I mean, great.

C: I don’t even think that is good.

K: It’s too close! It’s too close.

C: I mean, and he’ll—yeah. Because it is; it’s Christmas stealing your thunder. 

K: Exactly.

C: Not that he is a huge birthday person. And unfortunately, Tosh is not here to join us. We had a huge fight.

K: (laughs)

C: He said he was never gonna come to the podcast because my ego was too big. I was not doing this for the right reasons anymore; I’d lost track of, you know what we started this [for], and it was for the fans, and now I’m in it for the glamour, he said.

K: (laughing) He could not handle your—your head got too big.

C: My ego. My rider was getting a little wild.

K: (laughs) But no, yeah. My sister—she never got to have a birthday party, cuz who’s gonna come to a birthday party on Christmas, you know? It’s always just kind of a bummer. But my mom, you know, her birthday’s like a random day in March, so it’s always mostly fine for her, so she loved it. She sent me all these pictures of everybody, you know, videos of people getting her all these gifts. She can’t get enough of it, so that was nice to see even though I wasn’t able to be there. I could use an extra day of the weekend— 

C: Yes.

K: —which is why I’m kinda happy that tomorrow I don’t have any meetings at work. I’m like, okay good, I can like kinda pay attention to my email but also kinda just like …. because I don’t have to be present physically for meetings and stuff, so.

C: We need a three-day work week.

K: I mean, honestly, it needs to be somewhere less than four or fewer, like that is … five is just too many. And especially—

C: Five is way too many days for me to be doing work.

K: I know. Really. I know, I didn’t mean to bring it down (laughing). I’m just saying … my weekend was okay; it wasn’t—

C: You didn’t! You didn’t bring it down. You’re just saying what we’re all thinking.

K: I mean, a lot of people are also saying it. But yeah, we should … guys, listen to me. I really think we should not work—as much, if that’s what we have to do—but at all. I was thinking—someone said something on Twitter that got me thinking about this; about the kinds of pop culture you turn to for comfort. Like the things that you go back to again and again because they make you feel good, or they remind you of a really nice time, or you just need some pop culture comfort. My things mostly that I was thinking about are two—a movie and a TV show—

C: Ooh!

K: —but obviously we can talk about other things as well, if you have things that are different from that.

C: Well, I’m really excited to hear what your comfort is.

K: (laughs) Yeah. I’m pretty sure that one of these is gonna be very—like a lot of people are gonna have the same answer. 

C: I have a feeling I know what it is.

K: It might be a swerve! 

C: Oh, really?

K: (laughing) Yeah. We’ll see! We’ll see.

C: Well, now I’m titillated.

K: (laughs) Should I start, or should you?

C: Please! Yeah.

K: (laughs) Okay. So I think what you were implying is that my TV pop culture consumption is maybe one that you could guess. 

C: Uh-huh.

K: What were you going to guess, if you were gonna guess?

C: The Simpsons or Futurama

K: (laughs) Okay! See, that’s good, that I swerved it then, because—

C: Ooh, okay! Swerve.

K: Yeah. I mean, obviously, I’m a millennial born in the 80’s, like of course I love The Simpsons, right? Like it’s just one of those pieces of culture that was like, you know … everywhere and so much of us have that syndrome where we can’t help but like quote it all the time. It’s just … you know. It’s one of those things. Futurama as well—I also personally put Futurama on the same tier as The Simpsons, because it has so much … there’s so many fewer episodes, and so the really high highs are very high, and there’s not as many lows. So those are the ones where I was like, oh, that’s gonna be obvious. I’m not gonna say those, cuz that’s what everyone will guess. But, relatedly, a show that I go back to all the time, and that I actually rewatched in pandemic times last year—I started from the beginning and was like, lemme dip in here again—and that’s Bob’s Burgers.

C: Oh! Very interesting timing! 

K: (laughs) Is it?

C: Yeah. 

K: Mmm.

C: Because—and I’m sorry if I just interrupted you. Well, the reason I say that is because just recently on Twitter, and I had ignored this (laughs), where it said that Jimmy Pesto was trending, and I didn’t bother to look at it. 

K: (laughs) Oh, right, yeah.

C: I was just like, okay. And then later on, of course on Twitter, I see something, and it’s a picture of Jay Johnston from Mr. Show. Which—that was definitely a show for me—I haven’t seen it in years. But lo and behold, Jay Johnston at the Capitol insurrection. Allegedly.

K: Okay, cuz I was gonna say, I know it was like floating around that everyone was like, oh that’s probably him, and some people were confirming and some people who knew him were denying it, so I was just like … I never dipped back in to find out whether it was actually true.

C: Supposedly it was, yes. Supposedly it was.

K: But I mean if it’s true, like, huge yikes. Huge yikes. But also like, perfect for Jimmy Pesto, like of course Jimmy Pesto would be one of the people (laughing)

C: (sighs) Yeah.

K: So, I mean, everyone—I’m not gonna assume everyone knows who Bob’s Burgers is but, you know, it’s a show. Animated series on Fox about a weird family who owns a restaurant. The dad, Bob, is very boring, you know? He loves his restaurant, and that’s like his number one love. And then also his family (laughs). Right? And his family, just a collection of wacky characters. You got Linda, the mom, who loves musicals but can’t sing, and you got Gene, who is just kinda flamboyant and kinda fabulous, the son. And then you have the two daughters: Tina, who’s the oldest, who just is like a ball of hormones; and then you got Louise, who’s like an evil mastermind.

C: Lots of great comedy people on there.

K: Oh yeah, the voices! That’s what I was gonna say. The voices are all incredible, obviously. Bob is H. Jon Benjamin, who everyone knows from every animated thing in the 90’s and early 2000’s. Home Movies, and Dr. Katz, and like all this other stuff. Archer; he’s also Archer on Archer. But yeah, it’s just such a sweet show—

C: Yeah.

K: —even though the topics are so ridiculous and sometimes kind of like … gross (laughs).

C: (laughing) Right.

K: —and you’re just like … but they love each other so much! And it always seems to work out well. But yeah, Jimmy Pesto on the show is like … Bob, obviously he owns his restaurant, and Jimmy Pesto owns a more popular restaurant across the street (laughing). And they’re sort of enemies, because Bob thinks of himself as like a true lover of food and a true chef and cook, and Jimmy’s kind of just serving crappy, very cheap, really poorly put-together food that people seem to like, and his restaurant’s always packed and Bob’s Burgers is always kind of just holding onto their three regular customers. But yeah, it’s kind of interesting that this whole thing happened with Jimmy Pesto, or Jay Johnston, who plays Jimmy Pesto on the show. I really hope that in the coming weeks we find out whether or not it was true, and what this means for that character, because this show’s been on for … I wanna say ten years now—

C: Really?!

K: I think so. I think it started in 2011. 

C: Wow.

K: Which I was shocked to see. I could not believe that. When I went back to do my rewatch, I was like, this isn’t right (laughs)! And I had to look it up and it was like, nope. Surely it started in 2011. But yeah, that’s definitely a show that I sink into when I’m like, what’s something I can watch that’s like nice, but also funny, but that’s not cloying? I love dipping into that show when I need a boost. Yeah. And it’s on Hulu, I think.

C: Yeah. I was not expecting that.

K: I had to swerve. I was like, I cannot say The Simpsons

C: You’ve got to swerve!

K: Everyone would be like, duh, Krystal, like we read your tweets (laughs). We know! So yeah, I had to go a little bit differently. What about you?

C: I always kind of come back to Happy Endings, which aired in 2008.

K: (laughing) Oh my god. Right.

C: So it’s been awhile. 

K: Yeah.

C: I don’t think many people watched it at the time it was airing. I did not. I discovered it—

K: I did! I feel proud of myself.

C: Did you really?! Oh, wow.

K: I did watch Happy Endings when it was on. Not to brag, but …

C: You’re an O.G. 

K: (laughing) I really am. 

C: So, I was not. I love that show.

K: So good.

C: I have seen every episode five thousand times.

K: Yup.

C: And it’s six friends, and I love Casey Wilson so much!

K: Oh my gosh. She is like—

C: I just adore her in everything she does.

K: It was her and uh—

C: And Damon Wayans, Jr.

K: Yes. I think her and Adam Pally for me were like the breakouts of that show. 

C: Yes.

K: I think the other people I had seen in other things. Well, I had seen her on SNL [Saturday Night Live] too, but she had such a short tenure that I was like, I need to see what else she can do, because, you know obviously we know young SNL talent doesn’t get a lot of screen time. 

C: Right.

K: So when she was on that show, I was like, is she gonna be something? And then she just obviously was incredible. Just a breakout.

C: And I am a Casey Wilson fangirl, and I love her podcast Bitch Sesh

K: Okay, I was gonna say, that’s for you!

C: —which is a Real Housewives podcast. 

K: Exactly. She’s all in your wheelhouse.

C: Right exactly! And Toshio and I took a trip to LA to see Bitch Sesh live— 

K: (gasps) Aww!

C: —and it was her and Danielle Schneider, who’s the co-host, and June Diane [Raphael] was there—

K: (gasps) 

C: —and Matt … McConkey

K: Mh-mm.

C: Okay. So they were all there and I got to see—this is a little disability privilege— 

K: (laughs) 

C: Not really. But it was at a place in LA, and I was … we were there early and I wanted to check out to see if the bathrooms were accessible. They weren’t. But—and also, to get to them you had to actually go through the theater, so the guy had to show us. So we go in the theater while they’re rehearsing … they said hi to me. 

K: Nice. Nice.

C: And then I went and saw that the bathrooms weren’t accessible. But anyway.

K: (laughs) 

C: But anyway, I watched the show. It was wonderful. It was a really great trip. So I have also fond memories in like anything associated with her. So Happy Endings … I haven’t watched it probably in a couple years, but—

K: Yeah, me neither.

C: —that was the first thing that came to mind, is just like, when I’m feeling down and wanna feel like I am hanging out with people or with friends, I’ll just, you know, pop on an episode. 

K: Yeah, it’s such a great show. 

C: Yeah, Happy Endings. Watch it.

K: For real, like seriously, seek it out. It’s only like three seasons or something, which is so—

C: Yeah, three seasons.

K: —so not enough seasons. So, my pick for comfort movie is … I don’t even know how many people have seen this movie, but it’s a Will Ferrell comedy from the mid-2000’s called Stranger Than Fiction. Have you heard of this movie?

C: Yes! With Maggie Gyllenhaal? Yes.

K: Uh, yes. Oh my gosh. (laughing) I love this movie so much. And when I say it’s a Will Ferrell comedy, everyone expects it to be like zany and—

C: Slapstick.

K: Yeah! Exactly, and like the Will Ferrell we know from SNL, but he’s not doing that here. The whole … (laughs) okay, it’s kind of a convoluted premise—

C: (laughs) Right, yeah. 

K: But the whole premise is he’s playing a guy that’s very boring. Like the whole premise is he doesn’t have really anything interesting happening in his life. He works for the IRS, and he doesn’t have any friends, and he lives in a beige apartment in a giant beige building full of other beige apartments, like he’s not … he has like nothing going on in his life. And then, through a series of machinations, he’s brought together with a bunch of people and he has to try to figure out, you know, something that’s happening, and like how does he go forward with it, and it sort of makes him break out of his boring routine. Like that’s the premise of the movie. The cast of the movie is wild. Like, it is Emma Thompson. Queen Latifah. Dustin Hoffman. Will Ferrell. Maggie Gyllenhaal.

C: What?! I do not remember that at all! It’s been years since I’ve seen that. I remember Maggie Gyllenhaal, and that’s it.

K: Okay, so … (laughs) Emma Thompson plays an author. And her thing … she’s like very famous, kind of reclusive, kind of a jerk. Her whole thing is that in her books, she always has this main character that she follows, and then at the end she kills them off in a poetic, kind of ironic way. And she is struggling. She’s struggling with her latest book. She has a deadline and she’s missed it by like, years. So eventually her publisher, they send an assistant, quote unquote, played by Queen Latifah, to help her get past her writer’s block and like finish this book. So that’s how they come into the movie. Dustin Hoffman plays a literature professor who ends up helping Will Ferrell sort of figure out this thing that has happened to him, right? And (laughing) I can’t go into too much detail, cuz it kinda gives away the crux of the movie and what the twist is. I mean if you’re like putting two and two together, you’ve probably got it already, but Will Ferrell’s character plays—his name is Harold Crick and he’s an IRS investigator auditor person, and so he winds up auditing the Maggie Gyllenhaal character, and she owns like a bakery and has a buncha tattoos, and—

C: (laughs) Right!

K: —and she’s like “Yeah, I didn’t pay all of them, like I just didn’t pay the amount that goes to fund endless wars” or whatever, so she’s like—

C: Which is like 99% of our taxes.

K: (laughs) Yeah, we didn’t get too deep into that part of it in the movie, but yeah. And so he becomes obviously infatuated with her, because she’s everything that he’s not, and so they kind of start a romance, sort of, kind of. I don’t know, it’s just such a pleasant movie, like nothing really bad—I mean bad things happen in it, but it’s just like it’s so sweet. Everyone in it is being so sweet, and they’re just trying to like, figure out this thing so this guy can keep living his life, cuz—and maybe it’ll be a little bit better because now he has companionship in the form of Maggie Gyllenhaal, and it’s just such a delightful movie. I really kind of feel bummed that not that many people saw it, because it’s very different from the thing that Will Ferrell was doing, which I think is why he did it. Because people were kinda sick of that other version of Will Ferrell in the mid-2000’s.

C: Probably … yeah, probably himself included, I would think. He supposedly is—I remember reading some list where it was celebrities who are really averse to giving photographs. I think the list was something like “Meanest Celebrities.”

K: (laughs) 

C: And he was on there cuz he hates (laughs) I think giving—

K: Well, I can imagine that he’s kind of like … I don’t know, I imagine him similar to like Adam Sandler, where the people that enjoy their comedy and their movies and stuff can probably be a lot. (laughs) You know?

C: I would think so.

K: Like, they’re probably a lot. And so you just kind of maybe if you’re them, if you’re one of those celebrities, you kind of get bored or tired of that kind of energy coming at you all the time.

C: Yeah.

K: So I can totally get that he’s like … nah, I’m good. But also I think probably too, I think he has small kids. I don’t think they’re small anymore, but probably at the time he had kids that were very young, and so he’s like yeah, people bother me when I’m with my kids, and it’s not that cool. He’s one of those weird comedy people that’s like very good at comedy on-screen and in acting, but as a person he seems very chill. Like he just seems very laid-back, and not really zany or anything. I think he just doesn’t like put himself into situations where he has to be on, or you know, be accosted by people to get a lot of photographs.

C: How do you handle that? Like when somebody recognizes you on the street, how do you do it?

K: (laughs) Yeah, you know, I’m just … I’m very gracious, I’m just like, oh yeah, it is me, from Twitter. Yes, yes I am @humblecore. No—

C: When I get recognized on the street from the podcast, I do have to say I find it invasive, but at the same time, I enjoy it a little bit.

K: (laughing) Yeah. Yeah. 

C: You wanna give the fans what they want, right? You wanna be like, yes. Yes, it is me.

C: I do wanna … (sighs) we do it for the fans. We say that every show. We do it for the fans.

K: (laughing) Exactly. We do it for the fans. Gosh.

C: We do it for the fans. We do it for y’all. But there’s a part of yourself where you do have to keep part of yourself for you. 

K: Right. Right.

C: You give too much of yourself; you get depleted, and I can only do so much. 

K: Exactly, and then what is left for the fans, like if we give too much? So, yeah. 

C: Right? You think this genius just magically appears like there’s no work involved?

K: (laughs) This ability to talk about things that everyone else has also seen and talked about? Yeah, definitely.

C: You think I can just come up with a list of shows from 2008 that you should watch? 

K: (laughs)

C: I could, actually.

K: I mean, seriously. But yeah no, so what’s your movie?

C: So, I was trying to think, is there a movie that, you know, I just love? And then … there probably is and I’m not remembering it, and I will when we’re done recording. I will say though, I do have a weird thing though where years ago, I was going through a pretty bad depression and something (laughs)… I watched a movie—

K: Oh my gosh. I’m excited (laughs).

C: I know, I’m like, should I even tell this story?

K: (laughs) You have to now!

C: How do I sound? Cuz it makes me sound a little unstable.

K: Okay, you say the movie and then I’ll tell you how you sound.

C: Okay, so (laughs) … oh god. So lemme just say this. I was feeling depressed and then I watched this movie and at the time, I was like, this is a really good movie. And then I remember telling my friends about it like, “Does this make me really weird? That this really for some reason kind of cheered me up a bit?” (laughs) Okay. So the movie … again, this is old. This is, whatever, 90’s. The movie is Copycat, with Sigourney Weaver

K & C: (laughing) and Harry Connick, Jr.

C: —and Holly Hunter, where he plays a serial killer and he is stalking … I wanna say Sigourney Weaver. And I was like, what?

K: (laughing)

C: Why did this movie like—and I don’t know, if it—cuz it was a really good movie at the time, and I cannot stand by that choice now, because I haven’t seen the movie in a long time. So if I watched it now, I might be like, oh my god, what was I thinking? At the time, though, I remember being like, ooh, into this!

K: (laughs)

C: I do feel like Harry Connick, Jr. was over-the-top in his performance.

K: Oh yeah, yeah. For sure.

C: Not a dick, you know. I can be into that. 

K: That’s what the movie called for, though. Like he wasn’t ratcheting it up because he was bad. That’s what the movie was trying to be, I think.

C: And Sigourney Weaver, You’ve got Sigourney Weaver, hello. Holly Hunter. Two amazing women. 

K: Obviously. Obviously.

C: Sigourney—or as I just call her, Gourn—

K: (laughing) 

C: Gourn plays a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist. I can’t remember which one—I wanna say it’s one or the other—in San Francisco.

K: Mm-hmm.

C: So you might enjoy—

K: This is why I knew of it. Cuz I remember when it came out that it was like, it’s set in California; it’s in the Bay Area. I’m like, okay. But any movie that’s set in San Francisco is always like, I don’t know if it’s gonna be good, cuz so many of them are bad. But also so many of them are like clearly not set in San Francisco, and that tends to be distracting for me.

C: Right. I can see that.

K: But no, that is really good. I like that. I don’t think that’s weird at all. I feel like that’s how Stranger Than Fiction is. It’s one of those movies that came out, was not a big deal, and then it went away, and people don’t really think about it anymore. Same with Copycat, like it came out, people were like, okay, and then it went away and nobody really talks about it anymore.

C: True.

K: But I don’t know, like it’s fine that sometimes you’re just in the right headspace for a movie and it hits you. This is one of those reasons that like I feel like I can’t ever give up on cable. Because I saw Stranger than Fiction on like HBO or whatever just randomly one day. I didn’t see it in the theater. I had not even heard that it had come out. It was one of those kinds of movies where you’re like, okay, maybe this is in theaters for like six weeks or whatever, and then it just—

C: Right.

K: But I saw it on cable, and I was like, this movie’s really sweet. I really like it. And I feel like you don’t get that same kind of experience when you’re like, going to a streaming service, looking for something, putting it on … like you just don’t get that same … what’s the word? Serendipity, I guess, that you do when you just stumble across stuff on TV.

C: Another movie, Serendipity. Which I haven’t actually seen.

K: (laughs) Oh yeah. With John Cusack, yeah. That’s funny. I watched just a tiny bit of High Fidelity last night so I was like, oh yeah, I forgot about this.

C: One movie that—okay. One movie that I do love that I would say is a comfort one, is Grosse Pointe Blank with John Cusack. And it’s got a lot of good music. It’s got a great scene with Under Pressure by Queen, which is one of my favorite songs of all time.

K: (laughing) That’s like … one of everyone’s favorite songs of all time.

C: Is it?

K: It’s such a good song!

C: I like to think I’m unique.

K: Uh, I’m gonna tell you right now that you’re not. (laughs) Not about that.

C: You’re shattering that fantasy of mine?

K: Yeah. Sorry to do it, but it had to be said.

C: Well, it’s a great song. I feel like … we can share that, everyone.

K: That’s really interesting that you were like, yeah, Grosse Pointe Blank. I also had like a runner-up. I had picked Stranger Than Fiction awhile ago, and then I was like, you know what else I like to watch that makes me feel good and like, it’s fun? Ocean’s Eleven. Like, it’s a perfect movie. So good.

C: I don’t think I’ve seen it!

K: (gasps) You’ve not seen—oh, man. (laughing) Oh, Caitlin. You wanna talk about two people at the top of their game, like the primest of primes? George Clooney and Brad Pitt are ridiculous in that movie. You just watch it and you’re like, how is this possible, that these two people exist? How is it possible that the two of them are like, in a movie together, and just like pals and pallin’ around? It’s so much, but it’s also perfect, so I highly recommend, if you have not watched it, to watch it immediately. Cuz it’s—like on top of them being super handsome, they wear amazing clothes, they’re just doin’ like … they have cool cars; they are doing all this scam, heist stuff that’s always just inherently exciting, like … ugh, it’s such a good movie.

C: Oh, I love scams. I love scams, love them. I love scams—I’m a big fan of, what is it … Scam Goddess podcast with Laci Mosley.

K: (laughing) Oh yeah! Mm-hmm.

C: That is one of the funniest podcasts. I think podcasts, too, have been something I’ve turned to, definitely, for comfort over the pandemic.

K: Oh yeah, for sure. That’s a really good point.

C: Yeah. Cuz you wanna feel like—or at least for me, I wanna feel like, oh, I’m having human interaction today, and here’s some nice funny people I can hang out with.

K: Mm-hmm, right. Yeah, my podcast friends!

C: Yeah! So like Trixie and Katya’s Youtube show

K: (laughs) Mm-hmm Right.

C: I love that. They make me laugh so hard. But yeah, I have not seen Ocean’s Eleven. I tried to set up HBO Max. For some reason—why are HBO and HBO Max not the same thing?

K: If you figure it out, let me know. HBO don’t listen to this, but I’m gonna give Caitlin my login, so … yeah, I think you should watch it, because it has a lot of other stuff to offer other than Matt … or, other than George Clooney and Brad Pitt. It has Matt Damon in it too, if that’s your thing.

C: Ick. No, it is not my thing. I’ll just ignore that you said that. I really dislike Matt Damon.

K: Well, he’s there. The thing for me, honestly … this is gonna sound weird, but the two people who make that movie aside from Brad Pitt and Clooney, obviously—I mean, also Julia Roberts, if you’re into her. 

C: Ugh, you need to stop while you’re ahead. 

K: You don’t like Julia Roberts?!

C: Oh my god. No.

K: Caitlin, are we gonna have to fight right now? What’s happening?

C: I feel like you should just stop while you’re ahead, cuz I was so with you, and then you said Matt Damon and Julia Roberts. 

K: Okay, these two are not gonna be controversial, I promise you.

C: Okay.

K: One of them, Bernie Mac, obviously.

C: Oh, okay. RIP.

K: Every scene he’s in, he steals it. And just like … so sad that he’s not with us anymore. And also too, another man who’s not with us anymore: Carl Reiner

C: Oh!

K: Incredible. Incredible. Just like, a tour-de-force performance. So good. Don Cheadle’s in there, doin a—

C: Ugh! Love Don Cheadle. 

K: Doin’ an accent, and I do not understand why, and it is so terrible. I mean, again, you’re right, there are some people in it that are questionable. I mean, you got Scott Caan and Casey Affleck, which we’re—I mean, enough said about them. 

C: Ugh, don’t—yeah. We won’t get into it.

K: But the movie itself was really incredible, and the sequels get like progressively more bonkers, that like if you’re into Ocean’s Eleven and you wanna see like, “Oh, can they take this to the next level? Oh, they can? Okay,” I definitely suggest also Ocean’s Twelve and [Ocean’s] Thirteen. [Ocean’s] Thirteen has Al Pacino in it and it’s like … there’s a lot happening in that one.

C: I thought Ocean’s Thirteen was the one with Sandra Bullock. 

K: Oh, no that’s Ocean’s 8

C: Oh, I’ve seen that one. In the theater! (laughs)

K: I did not see it in the theater. I saw it during the pandemic in a little like watch party.

C: Oh, cute!

K: Yeah, it was very fun. I did not know what to expect, like I didn’t know how much it was going to be sort of trying to be similar to the original, and how much it was gonna be like, no, we’re doing our own kind of thing. And also that movie—if anyone who’s listening hasn’t seen it and you have kind of iffy feelings about Anne Hathaway, watch that movie. She absolutely crushes it in that movie. I was always kinda like, eh, about her, and then I saw that movie and I’m like, oh no she’s incredible, like she’s so good at acting.

C: She is such a divisive figure—

K: I don’t get it though!

C: —and I don’t really … I don’t quite get it.

K: I don’t either.

C: On one hand, like I think it’s a lot of the characters that she plays.

K: Yes. But I think it’s also too her energy, like I think she gives theater kid energy—

C: She gives theater kid—exactly. That’s exactly what I was gonna say.

K: And not everybody can handle that, and I definitely can’t. And so I think a lot of people are like, um, this is too much. But she’s so good in that movie.

C: I saw Rachel Getting Married

K: Oh, she’s great in that too.

C: And I saw that strictly because Tunde Adebimpe

K: I knew you were gonna say that!

C: —from TV on the Radio. My soulmate! Yes, my soul mate Tunde Adebimpe, who doesn’t know he’s my soulmate, but he is. God, I love him so much. Singer of TV on the Radio, artist … 

K: That’s so funny.

C: Ugh, I’ve loved him for so long! Pisces man. Anyway, he’s in that. He sings, he’s good. 

K: (laughs)

C: Anyway. Anne Hathaway. I remember watching that movie and just sobbing. It was so devastating.

K: I also kind of think people were like … or at least this is the impression I got, that people were like, oh, she’s trying too hard to push against her persona of the squeaky-clean 

kind of good girl by doing this movie, but I’m like, if she’s good in it, what does it matter, you know?

C: Who cares?

K: Yeah, I like that movie also.

C: That’s a good one.

K: But yeah, I didn’t even think about podcasts. That’s really honestly probably the thing I consume most in terms of comfort. Shoutout to David and Graham from Stop Podcasting Yourself, my Canadian best friends. 

C: Aw!

K: And, you know, all the folks from Never Not Funny, who are also my best friends that don’t know it—

C: Yet.

K: And Helen and Jenny from Criticism is Dead, who are also also my best friends (laughing) who don’t know it (laughs). Yeah, and all the people from—you know, I could list like ten more podcasts. But yeah, I definitely think that’s been a balm for people during … whatever we’re calling it. The pandemmy, the panasonic, the panna cotta. I’ve seen like so many … (laughs)

C: (laughs)

K: Yeah. It’s been really nice to have that in your ears, like in a regular schedule over these last couple of … I guess it’s like a year now.

C: (sighs) Yeah. 

K: I was gonna say a couple of months but like, over the last year. 

Okay. So should we go on to Two Cents, No Tax

C: Oh, I am so excited to see what you’ve got for me, yes! 

K: (laughs) We’ll see.

C: So what is Two Cents, No Tax, Krystal?

K: So Two Cents, No Tax is just sort of a rapid-fire segment where I’m just gonna throw out a couple of topics, ideas things, foods, events, what have you—

C: Ooh!

K: —to Caitlin, and I just wanna get her quick, you know, just top-of-mind opinion about those things. So. My list, the first-up: cheese.

C: Ooh, controversial pick that you chose.

K: (laughs) Well, controversial on this podcast, yes.  

C: Yeah (laughs). Cheese. I like it. I’ve had two different kidneys today already: pepper jack and parmesan [pär-mə-ˌzän], or if you’re fancy, parmesan [pär-mə-ˌzhän]. But I hate it when people say parmesan, so I don’t. And you don’t either—

K: (laughs) That’s what it is, though!

C: Parmesan?

K: Yeah.

C: You don’t say parmesan? 

K: If you’re saying it English, you’re saying parmesan. If you’re saying it in Italian, you’re definitely saying parmesan. Parmesano, actually. Not to be that person, but … yeah, we don’t have to go too into cheese. I just wanted to know your opinion.

C: I like it! I mean, not all of them. Like the idea of cottage cheese is disgusting to me.

K: Oh my god. I can’t think of anything worse. Yuck. 

C: Yeah. Or people down here in the south … pimento cheese, which—

K: Wait, what is that?

C: It’s gross!

K: Isn’t that like a lunch meat thing? Like you slice it, right? 

C: I’ll have to actually (laughs) Google what is inside it.

K: Cuz I thought it was like—it comes in a loaf, right? 

C: Not pimento loaf—

K: Oh okay, that’s what I’m thinking (laughs).

C: Pimento cheese is like … we should Google it and find out, but it’s like—there’s like mayonnaise in it, which I don’t eat—

K: Oh no, I’m already out. I’m already out. 

C: You mix it up—

K: Oh no, it’s like a dip! Ew. Okay, yeah. No no no no.

C: Yeah, people … people love pimento cheese. No no no. 

K: Nuh-uh.

C: Okay, so I’m gonna say I like some cheeses, not all. Definitely I like cheese more than you. We know you are anti[-cheese]. 

K: I … (laughs) I’m anti. I will eat it in certain circumstances, but I try to avoid it if I can. Not for like, you know, ethical reasons or allergy reasons; I just don’t like it.

C: Right. You’re not an ethical person.

K: (laughing) I mean, that makes people feel worse, like more angry, whenever I say 

that. Cuz I think if I said like oh, I’m like allergic, or oh, you know, I don’t eat dairy; I’m vegan or whatever, people would be like, oh, okay (laughing). But if you say like, no, I just don’t enjoy it—

C: Mm-hmm, you don’t like it.

K: —people get really upset! So I’m just like, alright, I don’t know what you want me to do about that. I can’t change it. 

Okay, so next topic: The Olympics.

C: Summer or winter? (laughs)

K: Um, your choice. Do you have different feelings about either? Or each?

C: I don’t. I don’t. You know, obviously … people can’t see me, but, you know, we’ve talked, like, surprise: disabled!

K: (laughing) Yeah. Same.

C: So I’m not gonna be—I’m not the most athletic person you’re gonna meet.

K: I mean, although the Paralympics are gonna be in primetime, apparently. Like this next Olympics.

C: Are they really? I mean, not that I could be on there either.

K: (laughs) Seriously. 

C: (laughs) I am disabled, so … 

K: Yeah. 

C: But you know, people who are into sports, like if that’s your thing, cool. I just never got super into it. But, I mean, the fact that people do have these abilities is amazing to me. 

K: Yeah. 

C: So sure, why not?

K: My next one is: how do you feel about awards shows?

C: Ooh. That’s a good one. Like just in general? 

K: Yeah, in general. I’m saying this cuz mostly we’re like right in the wake of the Golden Globes that just aired a week ago. 

C: Don’t get me started.

K: I know. And then we’re coming up on the Oscars, like in April, so I’m just interested to hear your take on awards shows.

C: I mean, they’re pretty much garbage right? I’m not gonna say that I don’t enjoy them. You can enjoy garbage … we’ve talked about this a little bit. But I like, as you said, the pageantry; I like to see the fashion; I wanna know what you’re wearing. 

K: Right.

C: The awards generally though, it’s not like they’re rewarding who I want—(laughs) who I want to win.

K: Yes. Subjective best, who’s considered the best, yeah.

C: Right, and it’s generally like, La La Land. Which I have not seen—

K: (laughs) Although to be fair, that did not win.

C: Oh that’s right! I guess Moonlight won. Okay, I have seen Moonlight. I have not seen La La Land

K: I have not either. 

C: Nor do I plan to. But you know it’s that kinda thing, where it’s just a lot of self-congratulatory rich white people getting together and talking too long, so I don’t really care. 

K: Yeah.

C: But I do like to see the outfits, the red carpet … so I do enjoy that part. They’re a necessary evil. They’re not necessary at all. They’re, uh … 

K: (laughs) They’re not. They’re so extraneous. We’ve seen that in the last year, like they do not need to happen at all.

C: They’re an unnecessary evil that I like to partake in. I just have one last thought.

K: Mm-hmm.

C: One thing that came to mind is I don’t know if I can ever forgive the Golden Globes for snubbing Michaela Coel

K: Oh yeah, that’s—

C: I May Destroy You. I just was like, are you kidding me?

K: And also to have the  sort of … (laughs) the news come out that they don’t even have any Black members in the HFPA [Hollywood Foreign Press Association]? 

C: Ugh.

K: Like that was just like, oh, okay. I get it now. I get what you’re doing. I see how and why things are the way they are, you know?

C: Yeah. 

K: But that show, incredible. 

C: Incredible, yeah.

K: So, so good. 

Okay, and then my last one, also kind of sports-related, but in the news right now. Not kind of sports related; is sports-related: Serena Williams

C: (gasps) Oh. Obviously, huge fan!

K: Yes. Of course.That would have really ended the podcast. (laughs) 

C: I know, I know. Please. I love her. I love how much her husband loves her!

K: (laughs) Nobody is a bigger wife guy than Alexis Ohanian. He is …

C: And I eat it up! I eat it up. 

K: The best.

C: He loves his wife so fuckin’ much. Their whole family. Her daughter? Adorable. Adorable.

K: So cute.

C: And she’s … again, you know I’m not a big sports person, but you know, sometimes I will watch certain things, and just … her abilities blow my mind.

K: Wild.

C: Winning whatever that thing was—that sports thingy that she was doing while pregnant, like … are you kidding me?

K: Yeah, she won a whole open! Like a whole tournament. Like, she was really pregnant.

C: While pregnant! Yeah, she is amazing. 

K: But yeah! Those are my Two Cents, No Tax.

C: Well, thank you very much. 

K: Yeah!

C: I appreciate and love them. (laughs) 

K: (laughing) I’m glad. I’m glad they made you happy; they brought you some comfort.

C: They brought me some tidings of comfort and joy.

(K & C laughing) 

K: Awesome. It’s not December, but I’ll take it. It’s fine.

C: Who knows what month it is? Or day?

K: Honestly. I could not believe it’s already March. Wild.

C: Yeah. So Krystal. Krystal.

K: Yes? Yes, I’m here. (laughing) And listening.

C: What are you watching or reading? Listening to? Anything you recommend?

K: So I watched the Coming to America sequel [Coming 2 America], and I … don’t know why I did that.

C: Really? I was waiting to hear what you had to say.

K: It’s not good. And I didn’t expect it to be good. Okay, when it was announced that it was happening, I was like, well I’m obviously gonna watch that as soon as it comes out, because Coming to America is like, the seminal movie of my people, my people being Black people. It’s such a … the movie is basically … okay. The reason I don’t like it, for one, is that like the thing that made Coming to America, the first one, work is that Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall were these like, fish out of water who were very grounded. They were basically the straight men in every scene, because they were also playing these other characters that were incredibly zany, right?

C: Right. 

K: —and so you put them into this situation where like, they’re also being zany, and then these other characters are also being zany, and I’m like, it’s too much. Right?

C: Right.

K: So it’s just … (laughs) it was not good. I will say, the one thing that I thought was incredible is that Ruth E. Carter, who is like a really famous and well-known costume designer who won an Oscar for her costumes in Black Panther—she also did the costumes for the original, and she came back to do the sequel, and everyone looks incredible. They look so amazing. But yeah, the movie itself was just like … I don’t know why this needed to happen. None of this needed to happen. We have the original; it’s very good. Problematic, because it was made in 1988, but still like enjoyable for what it is, you know? 

C: Mm-hmm.

K: Like the fact that they tried to update it but did not update the humor, I’m just like, you can’t … it’s not gonna work.

C: Yikes. Yikes yikes.

K: It’s very much a yikes. I was like halfway through and I was like, am I gonna finish this? Should I? But I was like, I have to see it through to the end cuz I need to know what happens. But yeah man, it was … it was a slog.

C: Yikes.

K: So that’s what I was watching, and I’ll probably watch something different tonight to like cleanse my palate.

C: I’ve just been watching a lot of murder. And I talked about how I like true crime. But I kinda forgot to say—or maybe I did, I don’t remember—it’s not just true crime, cuz sometimes I do not like it. Sometimes I’m like, I want fictional crime. 

K: (laughs) 

C: And when I say crime, I’m more talking like mysteries, of me trying to solve and figure out what’s … I wanna try and figure it out before the show’s over. I wanna feel intelligent. I need validation!

K: (laughs) 

C: So, let’s see … so I watched A Murder Among Mormons on Netflix, which—

K: Hmm. Is that new?

C: Mm-hmm. I think that was the title. A Murder Among Mormons. Something like that.

K: I think that’s right. I think that’s right; I think I’ve seen it on the main screen when I’ve signed in. 

C: Yeah. And that was a wild story that was not just about violence. It had scam aspects to it—

K: Yeah, I was gonna say, is that the one about—they were like doing the counterfeit thing?

C: Yeah, forgery—

K: Yeah, okay, yes. Yes.

C: —and it has to do … all the stuff with the Mormon Church, and the history of Mormonism, which is fascinating—

K: It’s so funny … I know. There’s an episode of Law & Order: SVU—or not SVU. [Law & Order:] Criminal Intent—based on that case.

C: Oh my gosh.

K: And you know who’s the main actor, is Stephen Colbert, is the main guy (laughing).

C: Really?

K: The forger guy, yeah.

C: I love it. Cuz Stephen Colbert is like, Roman Catholic.

K: (laughs) I know!

C: Knows his bible; teaches Sunday school; knows all of those stories.

K: Yeah. It’s real good. But yeah, that’s interesting. I did not know. I have not seen it. But I do know the story of the case, and that the murders were to cover up some other stuff they did, and it’s just like … just Mormons, huh? (laughing) Like, okay.

C: Mormons goin’ wild. So, where can people follow you?

K: You can follow me on Twitter @humblecore. It’s exactly how it sounds: H-U-MB-L-E-C-O-R-E. No spaces; no underlines. What about you? 

C: You can follow the podcast @twocentsplustax. You can also follow us on Instagram @twocentsplustax and get transcripts at our website at twocentsplustaxpodcast.com.

Alright. Well, until next time!

(theme song plays)

K: Alright. I guess we’re done.

C: Bye!

K: Bye!